To summarise my last therapy session (which at the time I didn't know would be), I was talking about how my mum never seemed happy for me, with the sly put downs, making me question my decisions and making me feel like a spoilt brat for having the life I had.
My counsellor said "Do you think your Mum might be jealous of you?" I literally sat there in stunned silence. It was the end of my session so he said I should really think about that for my next session. My husband had said in the past that he thought the same, but I'd always thought it was nonsense. My first thought driving home was that all I really want is my Mum (and Sister) to like and love me, even now it breaks my heart that they don't want anything to do with me.
So had the life I'd built jeopardised that? Didn't they want me to have everything I had? What was I meant to do with that information?
Not devaluing my life but I'm a married mum of 3, have a part time job and own my own home. I'm not a high flying professional living in a mansion. My life is pretty ordinary, but happy. What is to be jealous of?
Also Mums being jealous of their kids - what the hell is that all about? As a mum I can't get my head around the notion. I want my kids to be happy and achieve everything they want in life, my life doesn't feel less because they may achieve more than me! Honestly, this blows my mind.
My mum has always made it pretty obvious that she hates everything about me and my life. I have been told by her that "I went down the boring obvious path of getting married", "my house is to old", "my face is too ugly", "my kids are beautiful, but that's not down to me" ...All negative.
But after a lot of thought, I have come to believe that any life decisions that I make would have been wrong, I could and can never win with her. This made me feel depressed and made me not go back to therapy, it all just felt pointless. I can't change my life and I wouldn't want to.
I don't really know how to process it all, it all feels a muddle. Do I think my therapist was right about my mums jealousy? I'm fifty fifty, I get a sense that my mum feels she's been hard done by, and blames other people for it. Having me so young ,or having me at all meant that she missed opportunities. She wasn't encouraging about me going to college and resented that fact that she had to support me.
My mum is so complicated, I don't think I'll ever understand how her mind works.
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