My therapist once said to me that I seem to feel the need to fix everything, I like to continually problem
solve to try to make things better. The problem in life is that some things are unfixable.
My relationship with my sister is one of those unfixable problems. I want to fix it more than anything, I think about the unfairness and sadness of it all. Trying to problem solve it gives me heart palpitations and a lump in my throat.
After all the nasty things she has written to me after the last 2 years I wonder why I want this person in my life? I'm all for second, third and fourth chances and the whole " life is short".
My sister hates me, she hasn't always. Like all relationship ours wasn't perfect, we are both the product of an abusive narcissist mother... Basically we are both messed up.
In my sister's late teens my mum threw her out and up until recently they have had no contact. This was obviously a traumatic event for my sister who needed time, help, support and guidance from our mum, not to be homeless and having to move in with her Dad.
Throughout the next 15 plus years my sister and I have always been in contact. I've been to visit her in all her new homes around the country, sorted her out new clothes and taken her to seaside holidays and theme parks. We would fall out now and again but that's what sisters do. We had got into a routine of meeting up most Fridays for a coffee and a walk around the shops, and talked a lot about how our mum had let us both down.
This all changed when I found out Mum was in hospital. When we both went to see her together for the first time my sister was happy to see her, and I just stood there frozen with anxiety. I kept going to the hospital to start with, but realized I couldn't forgive my mum for what she had done to us, and deep down knew I couldn't have a relationship with her any more. My sister had a different reaction and was full of forgiveness and quickly built a strong relationship with Mum again.
My Mum soon realized that she had one daughter who was all in and another daughter who wasn't. With a narcissist if they are not the centre of your universe then you get frozen out. At this point I feel my mum decided to split us up, and I feel my sister was happy to go along with it. I was suddenly this person who had constantly let her down and was selfish putting my family and myself before her. I tried to defend myself by talking about all the good times we'd had, she said "I don't care about the good, I only remember the bad", which was a kick in the guts. She started setting boundaries, one was that I wasn't allowed to talk about mum. On some basic level I wanted to know if she was alright after being so poorly, so I keep failing. Then I was told I make her and mum so miserable that they cried together, I was hard work and they were going no contact with me.
All this talk about boundaries and no contact made me feel like I was the problem. The lowest point was when I started having therapy and talking about the abuse from my childhood. My sisters reaction was "Poor mum this and poor mum that" and "We are a happy family that all get on", basically you're the problem and you deserved it. Also "Why can't you just let it go?"
Until recently I still tried to communicate with her through email, but in her mind there is no fixing our relationship. She keeping up the pretence that our relationship has never been good and I affect her mental health negatively, but when it comes to my mental health that's my responsibility - Haha! So I'm responsible for everyone's mental health apparently.
I would love to know why she is doing this?
Does she genuinely believe that I'm bad, did Mum help her come to this conclusion? Would it be hard for her to be friends with me knowing that we both know that Mum is abusive, almost like I know she's living a lie? Can she get more from mum than she gets from me? Is she a narcissist too? With a narcissist everything is black and white, your either good or bad. Or, giving her the benefit of the doubt, is she a traumatized person who has been desperately missing her mum all these years and will do anything to have a relationship with her, even if it means forgetting the past and losing her sister.
What she doesn't understand is that she can have us both, normal mothers would want that.
I feel so sad about it all, but my sister is acting like a different person from the one I grew up and knew. I have come to the conclusion after everything that has happened there may me no coming back from this, I'll have to move on without her.
The thing that I find upsetting is that she has all the forgiveness for our Mum who chose to abuse and neglect her, and hasn't given her a second thought for the last 15 years. But me, being there and trying my best, is being punished. It literally makes no sense at all .
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