The Infinite Echoes of Childhood Abuse

When the narcissistic/toxic people are out of your life, you would think that they can't hurt you anymore. They are not around to put you down anymore, but the years of abuse leave lasting damage.

For years you take their put downs and abuse on the chin, almost switch off to it, but as you start learning and healing, it's crushing when you realise how bad it really was. It affects you everyday and leaves you feeling like a broken person.

I recently started a new job and to be honest it has been an emotional minefield. This is obviously a stressful situation for most people, but suffering from chronic self loathing has made the situation more difficult.

The ladies I work with are nice enough, but they are an established group and its taking time to feel like I fit in (if I ever will?) Every day I go to work chanting to myself that "I suck" and look for subtle things that validate my feelings. For example, one member of staff will talk to everyone but me, and I stand there thinking "Of course you're not talking to me, because I suck." I'm also incredibly shy which doesn't help.

Every shift is so painful and I cry most days. The thing is, my emotional wellbeing is not really their problem so I can't blame them.

Where does my negative self-talk come from? For years and years I have been made to feel like an unwanted burden, only worthy if I'm being useful. My home did not feel safe, like I could be thrown out at any moment.

I've been bullied and humiliated, physically and emotionally punished. I was made to feel like a freak, everything about me was viewed negatively, I was never pretty or clever enough. All the subtle and not so subtle put downs from my whole family have nibbled at my self worth.

I now feel like an unlikeable person, not worthy of people's friendship. My whole family can't be wrong - right? I'm the family scapegoat and deserve everything I got, and if I questioned anything, it was always my fault. I was born into the role, destined to be this way.

I really wish I could like myself, but I have no idea how. I wonder if people pick up on my self hatred and that is why they don't treat me warmly. I wish I could quit my job so I could avoid people permanently, my mental health is so fragile at the moment, that any negative interaction makes me feel so low.

After being rejected by my former work colleague, Mum and sister for just being me, I'm waiting for the next group of people to reject me. I could quite happily only spend time with my husband and kids, and block the rest of the world out. I feel safe with them and trust that they won't hurt me.

I asked myself what would happen if my Mum and Sister ever read this? Would they see what long-lasting damage they had done to me, and apologise, or show me some compassion?

And to be honest, I really want them to read this, and hope that they would have an epiphany and attempt a reconciliation, but narcissists never divert from the script, and they would see my weaknesses and attack them.

If you are reading this and are part of an established group of friends or work-colleagues, then please always be aware that just because a new person to the group is quiet, does not mean they are worth accepting, because you have no idea of where they have come from, or what they have been through and what strength it has taken for them just to be there. So make an effort to walk over and say hello, because it may be just one word, but it could make a world of difference to that person's day.