I split my life into 4 parts when I think about the abuse I received, all 4 parts are very different.
I cannot blame my mum for all the problems that I have had in my life, but her actions are still responsible for much of my day-to-day anxiety even now.
I was 40+ when I had my lightbulb moment.
Part One – Childhood
Before I left home, my mum’s narcissism was under the radar, I was in survival mode, I had to please her, because if I didn’t, the threat of punishment as a child, or being thrown out as I got older, hung over me. I normalised these threats, bad tempers and aggression and survived until I could leave.
Part Two – Adulthood
It was as an adult, when I began to think that something was off, I started noticing that she never shared in my excitement in my own life goals and milestones, and she always had something negative to say to dampen my joy.
When pregnant with my first child, I rushed to tell her, and all she said was “Is that what Dan wants?” and with those words my bubble was instantly burst. I stood there thinking “does she know something that I don’t?” Where was her joy at becoming a grandma?
The first item of clothing I bought for my baby was a cute fluffy snowsuit, it had bear feet and ears, and again I wanted to show it to my mum, and again, all I got back was negative comments, including was I buying it too soon, and how did I know if it would fit? After that I didn’t buy anything else for ages.
The icing on the cake was a week before my due date. I have a high palette (basically the roof of my mouth is very high) This has never bothered in the slightest at all, but to my mum, it makes me faulty in some way, and she loves to remind me about it regularly. So anyway, a week to go, and I’m obviously nervous and excited in equal measures, and I get a phone call from my mum saying that the baby will have a high palette, just like me. Cue a massive Google search and me examining the scan photos to make sure that the trained experts have not missed anything! My beautiful daughter was born and was fine, as were all of children, but with each one it was always one of first questions I asked, thanks to my Mum.
Obviously as a new mum I was very busy, and my mum still needed to be at the centre of my world, so she wasn’t going to go out of her way to see me and my new baby, so we didn’t see much of each other unless I visited her. Looking back, I think I got sick and tired of being put down with negative comments on what I had and hadn’t been doing with my new baby every time we spoke, and with every decision that I didn’t run by her first, and every step away from her control, we drifted apart.
Part Three - Back in my life again
Fast forward to a few years ago, my sister and I are in regular contact, and neither of us have any kind of relationship with Mum (My sister’s reasons are a whole other story).
Then completely by chance I found out that Mum was in intensive care and had been in hospital for months with my Nana and Grandad visiting every day and they have been told not to tell anyone outside of themselves and my mum’s husband.
After quite a bit of soul-searching I phoned the hospital to find out if she wanted me to visit, and the ward sister confirmed that she would like my sister and me to visit. For next few weeks it was touch and go, but as the months passed, we continued to visit, and my mum very slowly began to get stronger and more like her old self.
This was the start of my journey of realising that my mum was a narcissist and piecing together all the bits of our past and joining up the dots of how she had treated me (and everyone else around her).
What I didn’t know is that my mum needs to be the centre of your world. Visiting when you can is simply not enough. I had a job and 3 kids; my sister had no kids, a part-time job and could visit lots more than me, she built up a relationship with mum, and with that had started to change, becoming less friendly towards me, and resenting the fact that I didn’t go as much, not wanted to share information etc… I feel like my mum had made her choose between her and me, and she chose mum.
The hardest part was all the years that my sister and I had a relationship were dead to her. Her reflection on those times was now that I was selfish and never put her first, which is a huge lie and all the good times we had both growing up when mum was absent and as adults together has been erased. My mum was brainwashing my sister, she also forgave mum for the abuse she received from her, but she cannot forgive me for once cancelling a meet-up for coffee. I believe that my mum cannot allow my sister and I to be friends, and I was eventually told by my sister that I made them both miserable and that they didn’t want anything to do with me.
This set of events triggered a trauma in me, I had lost a sister who was now invalidating the abuse we had both received from our Mum. They both blocked me on all social media and wanted nothing more to do with me. I was devastated, wondering what I had done which was so terrible and blamed myself.
Part Four – Realisation
I continued to talk to my Nana and Grandad who lived close by, and it was when I found out how my mum had treated them that things finally started to make sense.
My Nana visited my mum more than anyone else, putting her own health to the side, and when my Mum finally got released from hospital, my nana was admitted to the same hospital. My mum showed no interest and didn’t want to visit, claiming that Nana and Grandad had been after her money all the time that she was in hospital. Anyone who knows them, would immediately know that this was a complete lie. With that, my mum was off the hook, they had wronged her, and she didn’t want to see them, or have any contact with them ever again.
My Nana died and although the family let my mum and sister know, they did not even come to the funeral to pay their respects to their own mum and nana. All the happy times that they had together were forgotten, family Christmases and holidays, all that time spent together was erased. With my mum you are either good, or bad, 100% in, or completely shut out, there is nothing in-between.
Her actions against my grandparents were shocking to me, seeing her treat other people like that was an eye-opener, whereas in the past when she had treated me the same way all through my life and I had normalised it, and blamed myself. The pattern repeated, and the common element was my mum.
This is when I started my research into Narcissism, and everything began to fall into place.
Ironically, it was my sister who had first pointed out me that mum was a narcissist, during the time when we were both estranged from her. She had sent me screenshots of narcissistic traits which at the time I never really took notice of. I now wonder if that’s how my sister knows how to play the game so well?
My mum is now living in a happy bubble with her husband and possibly my sister, if she has remained useful to her, not having to answer to anything, and surrounding herself with enablers.
It is sad to think this is how things have turned out but having done a lot of research into narcissistic parents, I know I was destined to always lose.
You cannot create an independent person but scold them for making their own decisions; show someone no love and expect it back; never be there for someone but want them to be there for you.
Now I have my own children, I know what a parent’s true unconditional love is, and that I never had that from my own mum, and I am strong enough not to accept abuse, which is why I am writing this today.
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