Having a shitty childhood is an explanation, not an excuse
I was scanning through posts on a scapegoat Facebook group, and a member posted a meme about forgiving your parents. It basically said "Your parents tried their best, they had unsolved trauma too blah blah blah." So here is my stance on it.
Firstly my mum has never acknowledged how she treated me, never showed any remorse, nor apologized. In fact she has turned my sister against me and blocked every avenue of communication. I feel she has placed herself in a bubble of protection with everyone around her telling her how wonderful she is and by blocking me she doesn't have to think about what a shitty person she is.
I understand that she grew up in a toxic abusive environment, I mean I've spent enough time with my grandparents to see how toxic and narcissistic they are. She has spent years trying to gain their love with the knowledge that my uncle is the favourite. I've also heard stories about her childhood, so knowing how horrendous that is you would think that when my mum became a parent she wouldn't want her kids to go through that same trauma. But no, my mum carried on the abuse, why should we have it better than her? If she was in pain we should also be in pain, if we did better than her, then it wasn't fair that she didn't get the same advantages. If we upset her, we were tossed out of the family just like she was.
She wasn't going to make a change, she was just passing the baton of trauma to the next generation. Why didn't she have it in her to change? I grew up in the same environment as her, but I want the best for my kids, I want them to grow up in a loving safe home.
Why did she choose her path and I choose mine? I think it's because she is fundamentally a bad person. Growing up, my way of thinking about it was that she may be a mother but that doesn't stop her being a shitty person. Her maternal instincts never kicked in.
I know she can be a loving caring person to the special people she chooses. Take her cretin of a husband, whom she treats like a child. She does things for him that my sister and I never got: A cooked meal in the evening, a packed lunch to take to work, fireworks on bonfire night. Why does he get the best of her? Why is he more special than her own kids? This is the man that couldn't be arsed to stay the night when the doctors thought she wasn't going to make it. Who turned up drunk, being abusive to the nursing staff. Why does he get love and forgiveness, but I have done nothing wrong and I'm hated.
One of the most inexcusable reasons that I find it hard to forgive my mum, is that she didn't protect me from my sisters dad. At the time I thought I deserved my extreme punishments. When he punched me in the face at aged 9 I didn't realise that was wrong, same with the good hidings with a slipper, being forced to wash in cold water, and being constantly anxious about making a mistake. I'd grown used to it and only realized how bad it was when I had my own children. My mum either encouraged his behaviour or stood back and let it happen. Why didn't she protect me? Was it because she had the same growing up? She had it bad, so I should to.
As I've mentioned in past posts, I did a lot of babysitting my sister and chores. If we were one big happy family all pulling together to make it work, then yeah it sucked, but I was appreciated for what I did. Recently when I mentioned the babysitting to my sister all I got was abuse and made to feel my mum's life choices were my fault. It started as "Poor you, having to babysit me" then "mum did her best". Did she though? Could she have chosen a more family friendly job to be around more for her kids?
When I say that I work around my kids schedule I get the "you have a husband and support " response.
Well she could have got the same, again not my fault. Then comes the biggest kick in the teeth "Your dad didn't pay child benefit so mum had to work"
None of the choices mum makes are her fault, everyone else is always to blame. Her choice in relationships and jobs aren't her fault, she is just a victim. If people have to suffer, oh well! She can never take any accountability for any decisions she has made and either goes "Poor me" or goes on the attack.
Being a parent is hard work, I get that. You have to be selfless and put your children's needs before your own. Maybe she was too messed up to do that? Too traumatized from her own childhood? I don't know...
My sister uses forgiveness as a way of shutting me down.
I get
"Why can't you let it go?"
"I've forgiven mum, why can't you?"
"Why do you keep going over the same things?"
"You keep upsetting me by keep bringing it up again"
You get the idea. The thing is she won't let me process it with her as a person who lived it too, and she won't allow me access to mum to do the same with her.
My childhood made me the person I am today and trauma doesn't just go away.
The only way I'll ever forgive my mum if she can have an honest talk with me, and try and have some sort of relationship. Will my mum ever be able to step out of her comfort zone and acknowledge anything she has done? I doubt it. Especially with my sister accepting the abuse, that feeds into my mum's narrative that she hasn't done anything wrong.
My mum will continue in her life with her husband and my sister showering her in fake love and support, whilst she misses out on 3 beautiful grandchildren and daughter.
I just have to find some way of healing without closure.
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